Saturday, 27 December 2008

Ask An Internet Comment Troll

DokdoIsOurs is happy to introduce another advice columnist to the DokdoIsOurs roster: this fellow has an interesting view of things, and after intense negotiations, we have convinced him to write in mostly lower case.

Please give an open-minded welcome to an Internet Comment Troll.

Dear Ask an Internet Comment Troll:

I came to Korea two weeks ago, and I'm hoping to get healthy while I live here.  Do you have any suggestions I could follow to improve my health (and figure) while I live in Korea?


Dear Patricia:
Obviously you are a fat slut and you are stupid and worthless.  Wanting to get in shape that way reminds me of Hitler, so you should probably just kill yourself.  Secondly, I'm sorry to tell you, now that you are already here, all Koreans are racist yellow garlic stinking trash and you will never be happy here because they'll just stare at your tits and ask if you're Russian and Korea is a shithole.  So instead, you should just go home and soak in shitty American beer and Macdonalds burger grill grease from your old job back home and smoke pot while your boyfriend cheats on you, because you and your boyfriend have no morals and you can't get a job back in America so you come to Korea and have sex with our women.  Wait. . . Patricia is a woman's name.  Forget that last part.  You're a slut, and a snob too good for small Korean penises!  You don't understand my culture, and you're a fat cow, so you should end it all with a bottle of painkillers because Johnny Depp will never love you.  He loves ME, you bitch!  
You'll have to settle for sympathy fu¢ks from Chuck Norris and fat Steven Segal.  Stop distorting Korea's history because I know a lot of history and I have a Ph.D. in American Beef and you're wrong and I'm right because you're just a fuckin commie and the food here sucks and somebody should just drop a nuke on you and Koreans are rude.

Also, many gyms and workout centers can be found all around Korea's towns and cities for reasonable monthly fees, and discounts if you buy three or six-month packages, and yoga is increasing in popularity as well.  Ask a Korean friend to help you navigate the health and yoga clubs in your neighborhood.

I hope you die, and your mother's a ho.
Happy Holidays
Internet Comment Troll

Saturday, 20 December 2008

Destruction of Seoul Averted; Wrath of God Stayed by Giant Thumbtack in Chunggyecheon

The giant thumbtack at the top of Chunggyecheon Square had its intended repellent effect on divine punishment last Tuesday, when God came down, full of wrath and vengeance, but poked his smiting fist on the sculpture, also known as "Spring," and stayed his horrible retribution in pain and surprise.

"Oh, my ME!  That really stung!" God told DokdoIsOurs in an exclusive interview.  "Hey.  Take off your shoes.  This is holy ground, sucka."

DokdoIsOurs dutifully removed his intrepid shoes.

"You know, ever since that beef thing, I've been thinking about it; I've smoted a few bikers who don't wear helmets -- but usually by making them choke on boiled eggs or oversized bees flying into their mouths. . . but honestly, even more than the littering and spitting in the street, or the institutionalized prostitution, it was my humanoid projection slipping in ramen vomit that just put me over the fu¢king edge.  Have you ever walked through Jongno early on a Sunday morning?  It's Me-damn disgusting!"

The sculpture was designed by Swedish sculptor Claes Oldenberg, and surprisingly, inspired by another set of sculptures not far away, in Hyehwa.  "Ja, I liked the poop design; it really matched my impression of touring Seoul, after growing up in Stockholm; however, for it to deter the wrath of God, both the Seoul Mayor Oh and I agreed we had to sharpen it up quite a bit."
(picture stolen from dry the rain's flickr page.  thanks, pal)

Just how sharp?  "The tip is lined with diamonds, laser-cut to only a few molecules wide at the sharp edge: it had to be pretty darn sharp to sway God's wrath, you know," Mr. Oldenberg said.

Some believe the sculpture, along with design plans for the revamped City Hall, was simply Seoul's attempt to become the new World Hub of Eyesores, a tough competition against its northern brethren's Ryugyeong Hotel.

However, Seoul Mayor Oh Se-Hoon knew the monument's true purpose from the beginning.

"I told Claes right from the beginning, we gotta make that thing sharp.  Sharp as hell, to keep God's heavenly smiting power far away from the sports massage parlors that are an important part of Korean Traditional Culture in the downtown area.  That was of vital importance to me and everyone else involved in the project." 

Asked whether he was attempting to top Pyongyang's own ugly monument, Mayor Oh seemed diffident.  "Oh, I don't know if I'd go that far.  I think Seoul's unique features should be evaluated on their own terms.  By the way, have you been to Seoul Forest, Central Park of Korea?"

In a later phone call, officials from Pyongyang claimed that the Ryugyeong Hotel has deterred no less than fourteen strikes of heavenly vengeance meant for North Korea and Kim Jong-Il, but had no comment on the puny, sycophantic spike at the top of the degraded lapdog stream, the names for the Chunggyecheon monument and the Chunggye Stream in the North Korean dialect.

When asked about the Ryugyeong Hotel in Pyongyang, God had no official comments, but muttered under his breath, "I hate that fu¢king thing."

Thursday, 18 December 2008

Korean Think-Tank Traces Every Single Thing Wrong With Korea to Japan

In a startling release yesterday, a Korean think-tank announced the completion of a years-long research project well-covered in the Korean media.

Ho Jung-ha, head of the project, beamed with satisfaction at the press conference yesterday, as she explained the final completion of her life's work.

"It's taken forty years, and with things constantly changing, it's been hard to stay abreast of all the new developments, but we believe we have conclusively traced every single problem in modern Korea to either Japan's imperial colonial period, their war atrocities, or their economic aggression against Korea in the post-war period.  We have also developed a paradigm by which all new Korean social problems, as they develop, can be integrated into what we like to call blame plinko."

Ms. Ho pulled away a curtain to reveal a giant board, and the crowd gasped in awe.
"Once we laid the groundwork, the whole process became almost a game," Ho says, "Like the game Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, except the Six Degrees of Jappo-Demonizing instead."

The Blame Japan Project would have been impossible without extensive help from Korea's Teacher's Unions, who have already been inculcating appropriate levels of Japan-hate in Korean children for years, as well as the print and television media, and a whole host of commenters, academics and other kinds of experts.  However, Ho Jung-ha took a break from exulting in her accomplishment to thank, "The little people."

"It wasn't just the academics, scholars, and Korean historians I did this for," she said, "it was also the little people: the small, unheralded private individuals, parents, uncles, grandparents, teaching kids to blame Japan even at a young age; all the amateur historians writing letters to the editor, even without the rigorous academic backing I am about to provide for them -- all those people, blaming Japan in their own small ways, helped me, inspired me, to finish this project. . . for them."

Housemother Song Hye-jung spoke out in support of Ms. Ho's valiant effort to validate Korea's place in history.  "We need great patriots like Ms. Ho to make Korea great: without her, Korea's unique culture of fostering distrust and dislike between ourselves and our nearest neighbors, and greatest potential allies, would be lost.  Feeling alienated from our neighbors is an important part of our heritage, and without people like Ms. Song, who would teach our youngsters to carry on Korean traditional land-claim disputes, historical revisionist squabbles, or shirking of responsibility for Korea's problems?  Jesus!  Without Ms. Song, we might need to look in the mirror instead!"

During the question and answer period, Ms. Song demonstrated the uses of her Blame Plinko game: given questions from the press about who is responsible for various Korean problems, from Alcoholism and Asbestos in Subway Stations, to Zoning Confusion in the mailing address system, as well as familiar touchstones like American beef contamination, wonjo kyojae, netizen insanity, road safety, corporate corruption, and university exam competition, she traced, step by step, chains of cause and effect that led, invariably, back to Japan.  As she demonstrated the facility of the blame-plinko board, the crowd slowly grew more and more jubilant, and by the end of the press conference, as she shouted, "Blame goes to...JAPAN!" with increasing relish, the entire crowd would burst into cheers and shouts of, "Fu¢k Japan!  Down with Japan!  Go Korea!" and clapping soccer cheers.

Thanks for pointing this out, Brian.

Monday, 15 December 2008

Correction for FatmanSeoul

Fat Man Seoul just posted an interesting instructional guide on how to make Korean style kimchi. However, he missed a few steps at the beginning.

Thankfully, Dokdo Is Ours is happy to fill in the missing steps.

Step one: be a direct descendent of fu¢kin' Dangun, the wondrous bear-man who invented half the virility drugs currently in existent, out of the secretions accompanying his ball-sweat.

Step two: Have your culture ass-raped by the Chinese for 2000 years

Step three: Have your culture ass-raped by the Mongols for 500 years

Step four: Have your culture ass-raped by Japan for 2000 years

Step five: Have the best fu¢king culture in the history of the entire universe

Step six: Let everybody else who does NOT belong to your culture know how much better your culture is than theirs

Step seven: Have your culture ass-raped by Japan for 50 more years (this step optional) - at this point you can choose instead to meditate on the tragedy of living in a divided country, miss the relatives you have in the north whom you've never met, and, if you want, blame either America, Russia, Japan (but never Kim Il-Sung or any North Korean) for the current state of affairs.

Step eight: (optional) Pretend your culture was ass-raped by America for fifty years

(Steps two, three, four, and seven are important to gather up the correct amount of HAN which must be added to the recipe right after soaking the cabbage in salt-water.)

Step nine: Hate all the people who ass-raped your culture (it may help to look at this picture while you do this step)

Step ten: from here, continue in the manner outlined at Fat Man Seoul's kimchi post.

(later: after salt has been added to cold water, and cabbage swished, add two full handfuls of HAN, that unique Korean sadness that only Koreans can ever know or understand, and without which foreigners can never make true kimchi).

I can taste the Han.  Can't you?

Thursday, 11 December 2008

Tell me how awesome my new masthead is...

or I'll close the blog down forever!

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

Latest Attempt To Steal Dokdo Results in Mind-Expanding Experience

When it was reported that Japan was translating its Dokdo claim literature into ten different languages on their Ministry of Foreign Affairs website, the Dokdo Riders, as well as Korea's own foreign ministry, did not take it lying down, of course.  Korea's Ambassador to Japan, Noh, Phok-yu, said emphatically, "We will get people on the job immediately, in order to translate our own Dokdo Literature into at least ELEVEN languages."

However, the new raising of the bar has led to some challenges for the central government and Korea's Ministry of Foreign Affairs.

"It seems there are more languages than just Korean, English, Japanese and Chinese.  Holy shit.  Did you know there are more than...five languages just in Europe?  It's true."

And was the Ministry of Foreign Affairs having trouble finding Koreans who spoke all those languages?

"We've been to every hogwan in Seoul, and all we can find are English speakers and some folks who can draw a lot of Chinese characters -- in the old style, not the new, simplified style," Hong Seung-joon, the head of public relations, reported, "In fact, I've been researching on the internet, in order to formulate an appropriate response to Japan's latest act of aggression, and found out -- did you know there are more than 150 countries in the world?  I mean, just worrying about Japan, China, North Korea and The United States was hard enough -- this makes our ministry's job so much bigger!  What if we need to start paying attention to the cultures, languages, and needs, of all these different countries!"

So how has Mr. Hong been translating Korea's Dokdo Material?

"Well, Naver didn't have anything on any countries except USA, North and South Korea, Japan, China, and a bit about Brazil and England -- soccer, you know, but GOOGLE told me the eleven most widely spoken languages, and it looks like I'll be starting out with google translate, until we can find speakers of each of those languages who are willing to look over them.  We could just translate the pamphlet into English and Japanese five more times, or get another full-page spread in the New York Times, but I think we really should go for a multi-pronged attack this time, and try for at least seven languages.  The eleven most influential are supposedly Mandarin, English, Spanish, Urdu, Arabic, Bengali, Portugese, Russian, Japanese, German, Punjabi, Javanese, and French, so that's where we'll start, and go from there, depending on what the Japanese running dogs do."

The ministry has also seen fit to purchase new, more advanced translation equipment, and are still training staff how to use it.
And what has it been like, attempting these translations?

"Very eye-opening.  I had no idea there were so many countries in the world, so many ways people communicate -- even, so many different ways people think!  In fact, (and don't print this, because it might be more than my job's worth) I've been starting to think that we in Korea might even be able to LEARN stuff from some of these countries, if we paid more attention to them... but that's still just an idea I'm tossing around, so don't take that too seriously, OK?  When I say that?  I'm probably just kidding.  But wow!  I finally see why Ban Ki-Moon is so busy."

Mr. Hong expects his translations to be finished within the month, language-dictionaries or none, and if he can't find speakers of each of those languages, he might hire some English translators to look at his pamphlets and just guess about whether they're linguistically accurate or not; after the pamphlets are published on Korea's Foreign Affairs Website, he expects people from countries speaking the new languages to find them, "Probably within the week," and from there, for a groundswell of international support for Korea's Dokdo Claim to sweep the world away in a frenzy of justice and Japan-hate.

Any final thoughts on Korea's sudden discovery of 195 countries existing in the world?

"I wonder how many of them know kimchi."

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Teacher's Union Warns: Korean Minister of Education's Plan to Take Wife Out For Dinner Will Increase Demand for more Hogwans

Korea's Minister of Education, Roh Gang-ho, was criticized by the Korean Teacher's Union this week for taking his wife out to dinner.

"These days it seems like every decision made by the Ministry of Education is designed to increase the demand for more hogwan education in Korea.  I unequivocally denounce Mr. Roh's plan to enjoy an evening on the town with his wife, and possibly attend a concert," Teacher's union spokesperson Hwang Dong-jun said at a press conference this afternoon.  "I know the Korean Teacher's Union stands behind me as I say that Mr. Roh should cancel his plan, in order to return the responsibility for educating Korea's youth to the hands of those employed by the government to do it."

Ministry media liaison Park Su-young responded to Mr. Hwang's accusations.  "Surely, the teacher's union is blowing things out of proportion here; it is only one evening of enjoyment which, hopefully, you can agree the Minister has earned, after Mr. Hwang here threatening to strike three times a day."

To this, Mr. Hwang replied, "These ad hominem attacks are simply misdirections aimed at hiding the fact Hogwan owning lobbyists have been lining the pockets of Mr. Roh for years now, and he has no intention of truly reforming Korean education, as long as he grows fat off the bribes paid by those who exploit Korean parents and children.  Think about the children!"

Jung Mi-young, a mother of three school-age children, complained, "The burden to send my kids to hogwans for this and that is crippling -- I can't travel, can't save for retirement -- if the Minister isn't doing anything to ease my hogwan fees and the competition between mothers to get their kids into SNU, then I hardly think it's fair for him to enjoy a leisurely night out, especially while  I'm working three jobs to send my kids to hogwans!  I clean houses, I organize files at a local business, and I hrmm ahhemmm hhrommm for cash --sorry.  Had to clear my throat there.  I strongly oppose Mr. Roh's plan."

Minister Roh had intended to eat out with his wife at a new Italian Restaurant near Samchungdong, and then possibly attend an art show, or see a string quartet performing at the Sejong Art Center, and maybe finish off with a bottle of wine in a quiet wine bar nearby, before a note came to his desk with an urgent threat to strike by Mr. Hwang and the KTU, if he followed through on his evening plan.  "It's been a stressful year so far, and I though I'd earned a night out," he said; "even my hairpiece is losing hair now from all the pressure, and I haven't seen my wife for almost a month."

However, in a public position like the Education Ministry, every move comes under scrutiny, and sometimes, as Mr. Roh is learning, a normal life might just be impossible.

Sunday, 30 November 2008

Samsung To Debut Even More Bulletproof Phone Than Motorola

After a man's life was saved when his Motorola Razr phone stopped a wayward bullet from striking his heart, Samsung, never one to give up an advantage to a competitor, has announced immediate plans to develop the Samsung Armor, a bulletproof phone.

"While R.J. Richard was mostly saved by luck and chance, any Samsung Armor owner who is struck by a bullet in the exact spot where they are carrying their phone, will be saved by Korean engineering prowess, rather than luck."

Korea is a world leader in cellphone production, with LG and Samsung two of the world's top five mobile phone manufacturers, partly because Samsung is quick to adjust to new changes in the market.  The news of the Mississippi man's brush with death led to an emergency meeting in the Samsung head office as phonemakers struggle to find new edges over their rivals.

Samsung is also discussing the possibility of a bulletproof vestphone with Korean military engineers.

Thursday, 27 November 2008

By Damaging Korea's Image Overseas, Reuters and BBC Show They Don't Understand Korean Culture

Guest editorial by this guy.

I am just fu¢king fed with international news sources covering nothing but negative news from Korea.  Once again, rather than reporting glowingly about the beauty of Korea's Autumn colors, or the good character of our pop stars, donating money to charity anonymously, or publishing long lists of statistics about Samsung Phone performance specs, those goddamn journalists seem to be looking for nothing but damning, ugly, vile news to report about the beloved motherland.

Little-known news agency Reuters, anti-Korean propaganda mill "The Drudge Report", and hate-literature publisher BBC are up to their old tricks again, by reporting the news that Korean prosecutors are trying to enforce the old law against adultery by sending Ok So-ri to jail for boinking whomever she pleases; however, they did not balance out this portrait of Korea with descriptions of our beautiful landscape, praise for the Korean economic miracle of the 1970s and 1980s, or any mention of our success at the 2002 World Cup, or our beautiful Dok Islands.  I find this kind of unbalanced reporting inexcusable, and intend to call Reuters to task with a strongly worded letter to their ombudsman.  I suspect that we will discover, upon further investigation, that this news story was "leaked" to Reuters through dirty Chinese, as part of their international smear campaign meant to damage Korea's reputation internationally, in order to steal Baekdu Mountain from us, or simply another case of those two-faced Japanese showing their naked imperial aggression through propaganda.

Yes, some of Korea's detractors will say that "Wait!  This news is true!  How can you be upset that a News Agency reports the truth?"  And I would say, "It is also true that Korea has a 5000 year old culture, an ancient culture with deep family values, and that we have accomplished amazing things in the last fifty years, and Lee Hyori is hot, and kimchi and dog stew have made Korean men the most virile specimens of manhood in the world of men dependent on aphrodisiacs to get it up through the soju-induced alcohol haze. . . why are THESE things not reported as well?"  And what would my detractors say to that?  You should understand our culture more!

Some have said the best way to stop news agencies from reporting embarrassing stories like this about Korea is to establish a system of true social justice, to overhaul the judicial and educational institutions in Korea, eliminate human trafficking and corruption in our cities and positions of power, and reduce corporations' power to lobby for government favors through bribes; to them I just say, "Jesus, that sounds fu¢king hard.  Can't we just hide the bad stuff instead?"

On the bright side, international news agencies have not yet caught wind of this story and with luck, the great country of South Korea, that fortress of justice, democracy, and social advancement, will not be embarrassed by such dirty smears on our reputation.

Thursday, 20 November 2008

Sweet! Another Excuse to Put Up Photos of T&A! Guest Editorial by the Classy Chosun Ilbo

Chosun Ilbo staff reporter.

God I love working in the News! It gives me so many opportunities to shove my camera up the skirts and down the shirts (and up the skirts again) of the world's hottest sexiest women! Another hot Korean woman gave me an excuse to scour the internet and press releases for sexy photos of hot chicks today, and buddy, boy do I love reporting the news! After three hours alone in my dark office researching, I am proud to report that some sexy Korean girl did something important.
She's probably famous, or about to be or something, but anyway, look at that rack! Those come hither eyes make me want to lose my journalistic objectivity! My telephoto lens is fully extended! I'd like to put my press credentials right in her. . . um. . . agent's hands . . . and request an interview (if you know what I mean). Yeah. It is sure an honor and a source of great pride for me to work for Korea's most objective, thorough and classy news source, the Chosun Ilbo.

This girl's name is Jarah Mariano. That's important to report, because you can Google her name or something if you want to know what she did and see more of her. . . um, credentials, or see more of her great pair profiles. Both my google and naver search pages are stuck on the "images" setting, and I can't get them off, so I couldn't find any text or information about her. . . but I highly recommend you, uh, look her up. She's a something something [ed: can you find some bio information to put in here if the article's too short as it is?]

It is days like this I am most happy about my job as a reporter for the Chosun Ilbo, that austere and respectable reporter of news in Korea: we even use hanja characters in our articles, to show everybody we are smart. We also have the greatest photography staff in the world, and the pictures we take and print, both in paper and online, are some of the finest examples of photography in the world.

It is my sincere hope that as I work at the Chosun Ilbo longer, I will be honored with an overseas assignment, to become an international correspondent if possible, so that I can hang around on beaches in foreign countries with a telephoto lens, take pictures of foreign girls in bikinis, and shove my camera up the skirts and down the tops of white women in Russia, Ukraine (I heard they're cheaper there), Europe, or even America. It is my firm belief that the one thing lacking in the Chosun Ilbo right now is a more extensive collection of pictures of sexy white foreign international women. It is my sincere wish to help my beloved paper strengthen its coverage in this one area of weakness. Truly then, I will have reached the highest pinnacle of quality journalism, and the Chosun Ilbo's reputation as the very standard of class and excellence in reporting will be unimpeachable!

(Speaking of peaches... how 'bout these ones?)

-Chosun Ilbo Staff

Tuesday, 18 November 2008

Korea Unveils FIFTH Distinct Season: Take that, Japan! Boo-yah!

After the unbearable humiliation of having no more distinct seasons than most countries in the non-equatorial/arctic world, this week, Korean engineers and meteorologists are proud to roll out the latest great innovation in Korea's long string of proofs of our cultural superiority to Japan fu¢king everyone.

It is DokdoIsOurs' pleasure to be the first to introduce Korea' fifth season: after decades of intensive research, and the ruling out of "Yellow Dust Season" in spring as a legitimate fifth season, because it is too dependent on China, and those dirty, greasy-food eating bastards would probably re-forest the Gobi Desert if they realized it was helping Korea be awesomer than them.

Ladies and gentlemen, gaze in awe at the newest marvel of Korean culture and engineering: debuting on Monday November 17th, we proudly present to you, "Winter Two, Korean World Hub Of Winter"That's right.  Korea will now have a second, colder winter, along with the regular winter that shitholes other countries like Japan have.  It will be more winter than anything they have damnit!  And we'll ALWAYS have snow on our palace eaves, making them look more picturesque than some dumb forbidden palace in Beijing that's too big and isn't connected to nature and only has a piddly crappy mountain behind it for feng shui, instead of a badass mountain like Bukhansan.
Also, in Winter Two: Korean World Hub Of Winter, also known by its shorter name of, "Sexy Winter," inspired by the popular cultural imperialism tracer bullet/prototype exported TV Drama Winter Sonata, or Winter Love Song, starring Korea's most popular leading lady, Bae Yong-joon, people are only allowed to dress sexy, and act like they are in a fantasy world of TV Drama characters, romances, and love triangles. 
Most experts predict Koreans will have not trouble acclimating to the new Sexy Winter, because over the last few years, Korean fashion moguls have been working in concert with the Winter Two: Korean World Hub Of Winter team to help Koreans grow accustomed to the kinds of fashions that will be expected during Sexy Winter.
The Korean Military has also been involved in the build-up to the unveiling of Sexy Winter.

Most Koreans are very excited about the unveiling of Winter Two: Korean World Hub Of Winter.  Salaryman Choi Jung-hoon, said, "I always thought Russia and Canada kind of had a corner on Winter, with Norway somewhere in the top five... the fact that we've developed Winter Two before any of them is amazing!  Go Korea!  DAEHANMINGUK!"

Elementary schools around Korea have gotten in on the excitement as well, leading students in chants of "It's cold" and "It's cold" and also, "It's cold," every morning, before beginning classes, and instructing students in how to wear unzipped spring jackets and hot-pants during the dead of winters one AND two, in order to maximize opportunities to use that phrase, which has suddenly become a celebration of Korea's seasonal superiority to other countries.

Ikkik Ikinngut was beside himself with disappointment at Korea's developing Winter Two before Greenland.

"I just can't fu¢king believe it.  Can you imagine how many winters Greenland could have by now, though, if we had so many people to put on the job?  I mean, Jesus!  Fifty-five million, you know?  We've got about 58 000 people to develop new seasons over here, and most of those are just trying to think up new, more colorful ways to say, 'Fu¢k, I'm cold right now,' and 'look out for that ice'  This is a terrible day for Greenland.  Just terrible."

Icelander/pop singer Bjork also had something to say about Korea's new Winter Two: Korean World Hub of Winter: "It's cold like a swan and I dream I wonder if I could, then I would sail on a gel and crystal bathtub through a fiery aurora sky like Winter Two and also the feverish staaa-haaaars!"

DokdoIsOurs is pretty sure that means congratulations.

Leaders of several of Korea's nationalist groups are upset that the Sexy Winter development team didn't manage to incorporate seagulls into the new winter.

"How the hell is Winter Two: Korean World Hub of Winter" going to strengthen Korea's claim on Dokdo when there isn't a single thing about seagulls in this new Winter Two?  I don't think it serves any purpose at all," Park Bae-Gyung, lead singer of Minjok and the Pure-Bloods, a nationalist punk band, complained.

Ho Won-Joon, the King of Jeju Island, Korea's Hawaii, however, loved the new season.  "Hopefully this means there will also be two winter vacations; we expect winter tourism to double here on Jeju Island, thanks to Korea's unique culture of extra winters.  Our hotel and hospitality business owners are thrilled about this news.  Hopefully even with the increased traffic, people still won't notice that it actually isn't much warmer here than anywhere else in Korea during the winter.  But we have ponies."

Russia and Canada's ambassadors could not be reached for comment: sheer embarrassment, this reporter believes.

So far, the other Korean weather bloggers who have all suddenly appeared, have not picked up this story.  Hopefully, they will correct this omission promptly.

Thursday, 13 November 2008

KOREA BEHIND JAPAN (and 106 other countries that don't matter) IN INTERNATIONAL GENDER GAP ASSESSMENT

In a day that Korea should rue for many years, Korea placed behind Japan in the International Gender Gap assessment again this year.

Even more humiliating, Korea's Gender Gap As Compared To Japan's Gender Gap is worsening: in 2007, Dirty Bastard Country* ranked 91st and Korea was 97th, a mere six places behind; this years, Korea was ranked 108th and Japan scored 98th: a full TEN places behind Korea.

This is obviously a trick played by the powerful international Japanese Lobby, who have plotted their nefarious campaign to steal Dokdo from Korea, rename the East Sea "Sea of Dirty Cocksuckers"* cut funding from VANK, and disparage Korea's culture, land, and economy at every chance. It seems these unapologetic Imperialists have twisted perception of Korea worldwide, and probably fed false information to international agencies, in order to perpetuate Korea's humiliation in being ranked BEHIND Japan in various world rankings.

(* in DokdoIsOurs' personal lexicon, these two idioms both mean Japan)

Jang Yunha, a Korean careerwoman who lost her job this year, replaced by a younger, cuter university graduate who couldn't type or work a calculator, but who put out and had "decent jugs," had this to say:

"Could you PLEASE stop focusing only on Japan and un-fu¢k this country?"

It is the professional opinion of DokdoIsOurs that she should leave the past in the past, learn to cook, make some babies, stop complaining, and remember her place.
(there's a reason Bune's got no mouth-hole, Ms. Jang.)

It is obvious that these kinds of lies are nothing more than manipulations by two-faced Japanese fabrication-mills, like the ministry of education and world map printers, and it is the patriotic duty of all Koreans to write letters and e-mails to every person on the planet, in order to correct these misperceptions of Korean culture.

Here are translations into numerous languages, of the text you ought to send, to random citizens of different countries, on your letter-writing campaign, in order to correct the world's mistaken view that Japan is better than Korea.

English: "Contrary to what you may have heard, Korea rocks, and Japan sucks balls."

Arabic: على عكس ما كنت قد سمعت ، هي كوريا واليابان المصات كبيرة كرات.

Bulgarian: Противно на това, което може да сте чули, Корея и Япония е супер гадно топки.

Chinese (simplified): 相反,你可能已经听说,韩国是日本大和吸收球。

Chinese (traditional): 相反,你可能已經聽說,韓國是日本大和吸收球。

Czech: Oproti tomu, co jste možná slyšeli, je veliká Koreu a Japonsko, smrdí koule.

Dutch: In tegenstelling tot wat u misschien wel eens gehoord, Korea en Japan is groot zuigt ballen.

French: Contrairement à ce que vous avez entendu mai, la Corée est grande et le Japon suce boules.

German: Im Gegensatz zu dem, was Sie gehört haben, Mai, Korea ist groß und Japan saugt Bälle.

Hebrew: ד למה ייתכן ששמעת, הוא נהדר קוריאה ויפן מבאס ביצים

Hindi: तुम क्या सुना है मई के विपरीत, कोरिया और जापान के महान गेंदों बेकार है.

Italian: Contrariamente a quanto potrebbe essere sentito, è grande la Corea e il Giappone succhia palle.

Japanese: あなたの耳にしていることに反して、韓国と日本のボールはとんでもない素晴らしいです。

Lithuanian: Skirtingai nuo to, ką jums gali būti girdėję, Pietų Korėja, yra didelis ir japonija sucks kamuolių.

Norwegian: I motsetning til hva du kanskje har hørt, Korea er stor og Japan suger baller.

Portugese: Ao contrário do que pode ter ouvido, a Coreia eo Japão é uma grande chatice bolas.

Russian: Вопреки тому, что вы слышали, Корее и Японии большое засасывает шаров.

Serbian: Насупрот ономе што су чули мај, Кореја и Јапан је велико срање лоптице.

Slovenian: V nasprotju s tem, kar ste morda slišali, Koreja je super in japonska zanič žoge.

Spanish: Contrariamente a lo que usted puede haber oído, es muy Corea y Japón chupa bolas.

Swedish: I motsats till vad du kanske har hört att Korea är stor och Japan suger bollar.

Ukrainian: Попри те, що ви чули, Кореї та Японії велике засмоктує куль.

Vietnamese: Ngược với những gì bạn có thể đã nghe nói, Hàn Quốc và Nhật Bản là lớn sucks bóng.

Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Sing the Plucking Song with DokdoIsOurs

DokdoIsOurs is deep under cover working on a major investigative project...let this tide you over until he is safe and ready to publish his final expose on corrupt Korean fan-timer manufacturers and the evil misinformation campaign they use to line their own pockets.

Friday, 7 November 2008

BARACK OBAMA IS KOREAN!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Likes Kimchi, too.)

This clip proves what DokdoIsOurs always suspected: Barack Obama is Korean -- who else could ever speak Korean so beautifully, so perfectly, unless his blood flowed with the spotless, pure blood of the Han Race!

(Ancient documents are still under construction, but irrefutable proof from the ancient archives will be produced soon to remove all doubt of Obama's true Han ancestry. Our best forgers archivists have taken a break from scientifically proving that Dokdo was populated with Han Korean dinosaurs, and are working on Barack Obama's genealogy as we speak.)

(More: He likes Dog, too!)

More notable Koreans (updated list):
(see also DokdoIsOurs' report on the obvious Korean-ness of Michael Phelps)

Albert Einstein
That Guy Who Invented Velcro
Winston Churchill
Hwang Woo-Suk
Mao Tse-Tung
Abraham Lincoln
Bruce Lee
Baekdu Mountain
Park Chan-Ho
Florence Nightingale
Kim Possible
The Statue of Liberty
Barry Bonds
Charlie Chaplin
The guy who eventually cures cancer. Whoever it is, we're taking him.
Judy Garland
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Wayne Gretzky
The Indian Ocean (after the East Sea, we'll start working on changing that to The Korean Ocean)
Every single fu¢king DC Comic superhero: the editors were racist and made them all white.
Louis Pasteur
Brad Pitt
NOT Paris Hilton
Adam Sandler

Wednesday, 5 November 2008

Obama Wins; Huge Expat Migration Expected

America's first non-white president was elected today, and democrats everywhere are breathing a sigh of relief after eight years of being led by what some have called, "A fu¢king batshit crazy retard-baby". This is a momentous occasion that will be remembered as a great moment for America until he does something dumb.

Families and communities in America gathered to watch poll results and celebrate, or mourn the end of John McCain's presidential hopes.
Many, around the world, are have placed their hopes in a man rumored to be the sexiest president since Bill Clinton.

Though rumors to that effect are so far unconfirmed.

Terrorists around the world are smacking their lips, getting ready to eat Obama's chocolate nuts. (Get yours today.)

However, here in Korea, the Obama victory will have some surprising after-effects that some have not considered seriously, though they are a source of deep concern for many hagwon owners and others involved in the English education field.

"I finally feel like I can return to my country, now that that shit-for-brains pig-fetus of a puppet-president is on his way out," Jason Terry, an English teacher in Daejeon, told DokdoIsOurs.  "I know a dozen other teachers just in Daejeon who basically said they'd leave America until the atmosphere got a little better. . . count me one of them."

"So, now that Obama's on his way in, you'll be going back to the United States?" 

"Oh yes, definitely.  I want to be part of the new America I could visualize when I watched Barack Obama's speeches on YouTube."

"So will I," Ann Hussein Barton told DokdoIsOurs.  "It was just so awful being in America when the department of homeland security might have been listening to your phone calls, when the government seemed to want us to stay scared of another terror attack, when that knee-jerk, flag-waving, lying, flying atomic asshole was president -- a new president will be the breath of fresh air America needs, and I want to be a part of that."  Ann legally changed her name to Ann Hussein Barton during Mr. Obama's presidential campaign.
Hagwon owner Oh BaMa, who runs a medium-sized English school in Daechi-dong, expressed concern about the change in the wind in American politics.

"Two, maybe all three of the American teachers in my hagwon were here in self-imposed exile, until that monkey foreskin lick-and-sniffer got out of the oval office. . . I'm worried about the airfare and recruiting costs to bring new teachers in."

Fortunately for Mr. Oh, there might be a ready supply of teachers willing to take a job at his school.  Born-and-raised Republican Tyler Kernickel, from Missouri, doesn't particularly care to live in an America led by a "half-black Hawaiian Muslim appeasement-obsessed terrorist collaborator" -- "I was thinking I'd come to Korea and teach English as a guise for my missionary zeal, convert the country to Christianity, teach them to love America as much as I do, and make sure they hate gays, too, you know, if I have time."

DokdoIsOurs nodded attentively, not wishing to startle Tyler with too much information about his potential future home.  "I mean, if they don't have the good news yet, about capitalism and God and America and creation, Jesus would want me to come here, right?  I'm sure it won't take much effort before they love America as much as I do -- America's such a great country, it's a no-brainer!  USA! USA! USA! USA!"

He even makes bowling shoes look presidential.
Other than the tenor of the discussions around galbi, Mr. Oh expects a few other changes in the atmosphere at his hagwon, if his current Democrat employees are replaced by Republicans.

"We'll probably have to get rid of the fun Halloween parties, too, if we get those religious right folks -- you know, witchcraft and all. They might also be expecting a nativity scene for the Christmas party, instead of a Santa Claus gift handout.
"I guess I don't mind that too much, though it won't be as much fun for the kids. . . " Mr. Oh looked off into the distance.
"So, do you have confidence in an Obama presidency?"
"What kind of effect do you think Obama's presidency will have on world geopolitics?"
"I don't understand."
"How about Obama?"
"AAAAaaahh," Mr. Oh said.  "How about Obama!  I like him."

Even though they fu¢king love their country, most of the young Republicans DokdoIsOurs spoke with didn't seem too upset about leaving their home for a while, especially given that so many young Democrats had been forced to do the same during the presidency of George W. Bush, also known as the "pig-dog ass-bastard pirate-gigolo embarrassment of a world leader currently in possession of the Red Button" in some circles.  "God, I hope it's just a single term," Tyler Kernickel said, "You just can't understand how much I love my country!" he said, as his eyes teared up, and he dabbed them with an American flag kerchief.  In fact, most young Republicans' outlooks were surprisingly bright, given their candidate's sound defeat.

"I look forward to going to Korea," young Republican Brianne Maxwell said.  "I heard there are no Mexicans there."

Thursday, 30 October 2008

Chosun Ilbo Nudes ALSO Have No Artistic Merit

Recently*, The Chosun Ilbo reports that a nude yogurt fight staged in 2003 in Insa-dong was commercially motivated, not artistic, and therefore fined an unnamed milk company executive for staging it.

Surprisingly, the Chosun Ilbo posted pictures of this event, though the Chosun Ilbo is well known for the prudish mores held by its staff of photographers.  !!!!!
Dokdoisours has no artistic merit, and wants hits, and therefore, will publish the photos as well, but only so that we can all shake our heads in moralistic disgust and righteous outrage.
Dokdoisours is shocked, SHOCKED, that the Digital Chosun Ilbo (English) would publish such crass photos: usually this kind of lurid tripe is reserved for the Chosun Ilbo (Korean), and English speakers are left to navigate blindly between photos of disaster rescue crews and the kind of TNA we seek when we visit Korean news sources ('cause we're not looking for world-class, objective reporting, now, are we?)

*this article is actually from January 2005, but it has nude korean women in it, and it's a real news source, I swear!

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

K-Blogosphere Travels Down to Jeollanam-do, Throws Brian a Cheer-Up Party

Over a dozen Korea-bloggers travelled to Jeollanam-do last weekend to cheer up Brian Deutsch.  

"We noticed that Brian's seemed pretty down lately, so we just thought he needed a bit of a pick-me-up," Robert Koehler, of The Marmot's Hole said. "He provides the scoops for close to twenty percent of my posts now, so I thought I owed him at least this." Two anonymous people following Robert chimed in, "We hate Brian." "Yeah. He's a tool," but declined to identify themselves. "Hey guys, leave me alone," Robert told them. "Your hanbok sucks, anyway," one said. "Let's go find Dave Sperling," where Dave ignored them and offered DokdoIsOurs a job. "We are best job for you and every month pay on time it's the our guarantee!" he said.

"He's got great shoes," Mike Hurt said; "I didn't even realize until we all came down here, but man, look at those goddamn pumps! They must add, what, four inches to his height!" When asked why he came down to Brian's cheer-up party, the Metropolicician referred DokdoIsOurs to one of his websites. "You can check my ideas on the topic at if you want; I also reference it on FeetManSeoul. Tell all your friends to visit, too, if you want.  I was on TV."

"But really, what does Brian's blog mean to you?"

"It means I don't have to dig around on Dave's ESL Cafe, because he does. Brian has saved me a lot of effort, and he's funneling off a lot of the trolls and VANKers that used to load up my comment boards."

"You SUCK!" somebody shouted from a corner of the room.  Nobody even paid attention.

The Grand Narrative's James Turnbull also came out from Busan.  "I like the posters Brian has on the walls here.  I might write an article about them," he began.  

"So what do you think about Brian and his blog?" 

"Oh, it's very popular in Busan.  There are many in Gyungsan province who think he's actually FROM there, because of the derisive tone he sometimes takes toward Jeolla-do."

"I like him," PopSeoul, who did not wish to be named, said, "but I'm pretty sure he had plastic surgery in 2007, and he's totally fatter than he used to be when he started out.  But heck, I still love him.  Go crazy, commenters!"   Three people shouted, "First!" and one shouted, "Wanna buy Viagra?"

Matt, of Occidentalism, staggered by, drunk, with a troll clinging to his leg.

The organizer of the party, Joe MacPherson of Zenkimchi fame, said his Seoulpodcasts would be a full hour shorter each if not for Brian, but FatManSeoul was mostly there to try the different Jeolla-do foods.  When asked for a comment, she simply kept singing, "Skate, skate, skate, skate," to herself, under her breath.

Roboseyo, RWellor, and WeveGotSeoul seemed a bit dismayed.  "You know, I'm a bit worried about the guy, all out by himself in Jeolla-do.  He never writes about his friends. . .sometimes we wish he'd just come up to Seoul so we could show him a good time.  We've tried cheering him up by posting funny comments on his website, but it just doesn't seem to be enough."

Jello Mando of A Year in Mokpo, Andy in SK and TK Park, The Korean of Ask A Korean! were not able to physically be at the party, as they were all in America, but tuned in for a conference call on Skype, and expressed their concern as well.  The Korean was wearing a pair of rubber dog ears.  "Because The Korean is a funny guy!  He would even speak of himself in the first person if it would cheer up poor Brian."

Lao Ocean Girl and Expat Jane declined to stop for an interview with DokdoIsOurs, as they were too busy batting away all the infatuated white male bloggers following them around and laughing at everything they said.

Party Pooper stood by the snack table, trying to block people from reaching the tastiest snacks, braying alternately, "I'm the funniest guy at the party!" and "Everybody here is an asshole!  This party sucks!" but even that was not enough to drag down the party atmosphere.  The EV Boyz changed the words to their hit song, "Kickin' It In GeumChon" to "Kickin' It In Suncheon," singing joyfully.

"Jesus Tapdancing Christ, this is really touching, guys.  In fact. . . I feel a strange. . . warm feeling. . . coming over me. . . "  DokdoIsOurs was quick enough to get his video camera rolling to catch what transpired next.

After all that, Party Pooper broke the happy silence by walking to the DVD player.
"Hey Brian.  I made a video for you."

Thursday, 23 October 2008

VANK loses funding; Academy of Korean Studies taken over by Japanese Collaborators?

The great VANK Cathedral in Iran

In a very disappointing turn, The Academy of Korean Studies, has cut funding for the Voluntary Agency Network of Korea's ongoing campaign to change the East Sea's name on every map in the world.  Yes, it's true, while it continues to support many of the civic groups that attacked the government with US Beef protest, the government has pulled the rug out from under the good citizens and patriots of VANK; included among those who will feel the pinch, of course is your very own DokdoIsOurs, who used to spend two days a week supported by VANK funding, during which time he looked at porn on the internet, and googled "Sea of Japan" "Takashima" and "Liancourt Rocks" six times a day each, looking for new outrages to mass-forward to the volunteer diplomat network.  It appears this reporter will now need to go out and work more.

Dong-a Ilbo opinion columist Kwon Sun-Taek points out the unfairness of these new cuts of public funding, "Who would want to pay taxes if the government offers financial aid to civic groups conducting illegal protests while stopping assistant to VANK?"  Indeed, it am true.  I am disappointing in these news because a who will help our country convince the world really it's Japan bad guy!

However, DokdoIsOurs, and Park Ki-Tae, founder of VANK will not go gently into that good night!  When asked about the funding cut, Park was irate.  "I suspect the Academy of Korean Studies has been taken over by Japanese collaborators, dirty, possibly half-blood traitors who are Japan friendly and like Totoro more than Mashimaro!  I have reported this to Korea's counter-intelligence agency, and expect a full investigation, and a thorough test of the loyalties of the Academy of Korean Studies' administrators.  We must correct the mistaken opinions of these ignorant academic societies, by providing the correct information they need to make more informed opinions."  

In a brave last stand, Mr. Park has made a call out to all VANK volunteer diplomats: 
"I think three-hundred e-mails a day will be enough to convince the Academy to change their minds.  Here is the text of the e-mail I suggest you send:  (you can copy it from the original page here)."

DokdoIsOurs can only reiterate that cry for justice:

Stop ranting and raving about this D-Wars. I really enjoyed the whole movie from the beginning to the ending credit.

The story is very interesting because it transforms the old Korean legend into the people of modern day LA very cleverly, which synergistically elevates the originality of the story line. The parallel arrangement of time and space enhances the cohesiveness between ancient Korea and modern day LA.

While the two main characters change from Koreans to Caucasians by means of reincarnation, the dinosaur like creatures and the evil army play the role of the missing links between the entirely dichotic time and place.

The LA battle scene is one of the most exhilarating movie battle scene in recent films. The missile and gun fight between Apache helicopters and flying dragons are nothing like any other movies. Whenever the helicopters collide into flying dragons, I felt as if I was attacked by those awesome creatures. The sound effects were succinctly utilized to boost the realism of the battle scene.

The plot is not as awkward as some people said. I found myself pretty well dove into the story line without many glitches. The plot flows fluently thanks to the well thought directing. Things are exactly where they are supposed to be. If any single element of the scenes are missing, probably the story would not connect well, however, when time and place change, the reasons of the transitions are well explained.

The oriental dragons are very different from western ones. For example, they don't have wings. They metamorphose from a serpent(Imoogi) into a sacred dragon with the power of dragon ball (Yuh yi joo).

In many Korean legends, Imoogi is depicted as an incomplete life form symbolizing the mundane average people of no novelty. An Imoogi is a mere local guardian god often guards a small town or village. Depend on the local tradition, some villages or towns were believed to have human sacrifice regularly to appease the guardian yearly or once in every ten or hundred years. Imoogi needs a human sacrifice (female virgin) to become a sacred dragon. Dragons are Gods governing the sky controlling the weather especially the rain, which is critical in traditionally agricultural Asian society. Being a sacred creature which can fly in to the sky is the ultimate purpose of the existence of Imoogi. So, some Imoogies threatened the unwilling village to earn human sacrifice often in a violent way. Many Imoogi stories involves sad lovers who lost their beloved as ceremonial sacrifice, and also the stories of failure of evil Imoogies from being transformed in to the dragons.

Director Shim adopted this Korean legend carefully and intelligently and created this modern day myth.

Just seeing an oriental dragon visualized in such a detailed manner makes this movie worth to see. Besides, old Korean villages, costumes and soldiers and guards are surprisingly well presented, which is very educational to any people who has little or no exposure to this long but unknown culture. The music used for ending credit is a famous Korean folk song called 'Arirang' which symbolizes unfulfilled love of young lovers.

Watch this movie. This movie is like a Christmas gift package. It has fun, excitement, culture, myth, visuals and music. The ten bucks you paid for you and your children have never been worth this much.

"We should also contact these academics' places of work and warn them about the kind of two-faced traitors they have in their employ, and if we can find the home addresses of Academy members, forward them to the rest of the volunteer diplomats, so that any diplomats who live near them can throw poop at their houses," Park reminded his loyal, patriotic followers.

And DokdoIsOurs reminds you to change the wordings of some sentences, from time to time, so that your E-mails will continue to get through spam filters. Meanwhile, grow, Korea! Down with Japan! Up with Dokdo! Up yours, Japan!


Saturday, 18 October 2008

McCain Enlists Robert Mugabe as Election Advisor

For his experience in getting the job done against all odds and popular opinion, the John McCain election team has asked Robert Mugabe to coordinate the final stages of their election campaign.

More information at Seth's Travelogue.

DokdoIsOurs is officially, royally, purple-facedly choked that Seth completely scooped DokdoIsOurs on this matter, and may ask Seth about the possibility of being foreign news correspondent on the DokdoIsOurs team.

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

Mayor of Seoul Walks Past Global Handwashing Day Festival, Ignoring It

On Global Handwashing Day, October 15th, Seoul held a festival in the City Hall Square.

People walked around the festival grounds.
After the success, for the second year in a row, of "No Car Day" in Jongno, the responsible citizens of Korea saw fit to take hope in 2008, a year that, other than some rioting in May, and June, and July, seemed like a banner year for good manners.  The Korean Handwashing Society spent a great deal of time and effort preparing for this day: all three members arranged for the festival stage and tent displays out of their own personal savings, and Seoul Mayor Oh Se-Hoon seemed excited about the prospect as well, saying at a news conference, "I hope Seoul will become known as a Hub of Handwashing, and these good citizens will help me."
Mayor Oh, pictured above, showing off his clean hands with card-carrying HandWashing club members.

However, when the stage was set, and the crowds had gathered, waiting anxiously for the Mayor's inspiring speech.
Instead, Mr. Mayor glanced briefly in a mirror set up at the back of the festival stage, fixed his hair briefly, and then skulked out offstage, without even a glance at the crowds or the microphone set up for him.

Festival Organizer Sohn HwaShing, a subway station custodian by trade, was disappointed, to say the least.

"I don't know why we set this stage out here if nobody uses it anyway.  Is it just for decoration?  I mean, come on, people!  It's there for a reason, you know!" he grumbled, and stormed away from DokdoIsOurs, reporting on the scene.  "IT'S NOT JUST A SETTING FOR THE MIRROR, YOU KNOW!" he hollered at a group of university students who had sidled up to the mirror at the back of the festival stage, and were fixing their hair and makeup in it.  The young adults ignored him.

White person Tommy Fondoe, who had been invited to the handwashing festival with his son to attract Chosun Ilbo photographers, described his extreme disillusionment, while his son Brian expressed his disappointment in another way.
"After everything the Mayor said before, about Seoul becoming a hub for hand-washing -- to just walk out as if his time were more important than proper sanitation was just shocking.  I don't think I'll ever wash my hands again!" he said.

Clean Korean Jang Hwang-soo asked, "How can we show other cultures our superiority, and teach them how to be clean, if we aren't even proud of our cleanliness culture ourself?  Cleanliness is an important part of our heritage that we must not forget!"  In order to console himself, Jang and the other two members of the Korea Handwashing Society roamed around finding dirty foreigners, "To teach them how to be clean!"

"We must teach the Chinese how to wash!" Jang said,

"What would the rest of the world do if we weren't here to civilize them?"

Koreans from the old days, practicing Korea's superior 5000 year-old cleanliness and hygiene culture.

The Korean Union of food handlers did not attend the festival, but a small percentage of medical professionals did, and shook their heads a lot.

(thanks for the heads up, Brian)

Tuesday, 7 October 2008

Suh In Young Admits Mushroom Cut was "A Prank" on Korean Fashion Followers

Korean Pop Superstar Suh In-Young (서인영) admitted yesterday, in a shocking revelation, that "that silly mushroom haircut was a just a joke I played on my friends and fans."

"It was meant as an ironic commentary on the way people will imitate anything a star does -- I was trying to decide whether to get a really, really stupid haircut, or that vagina handbag I saw online. . . we decided the idiotic haircut would be more subtle. I was just as surprised as anybody when it took off. Believe me!" she told Dokdoisours, as he stared at her face, trying not to be too obvious as he looked for the plastic surgery lines.

She smiled, and DokdoIsOurs winced. They looked the same for a moment.  "Fads are so unpredictable, you know?" she laughed.

The prank is a surprising departure for Suh, who is usually known as a model for class,
and coy demureness...

"I was in the hairdressers, and we were just chatting, and I explained to her how really, I want to be bigger than the Beatles...put together! The stylist laughed and bunched my hair up so that it looked like I had an early Beatles' moptop, and it was amazing: I looked almost exactly like pre-moustache Ringo Starr!"
"My mind went to my idea of playing a prank on my fan-followers, you know -- everybody does that stupid "E.T." dance from "One More Time"

"...and I started wondering just how stupid I'd have to act before people start thinking for themselves.  

"I guess I'll have to buy that vagina purse, after all," Suh finished, staring off into the distance.

According to Suh, cosmetics company Maybelline was in on the joke: "Why else would they use me to pitch their product?"

Maybelline did not answer DokdoIsOurs' calls at time of printing.

Suh has a special distinction in Korea: just as Mun Geun-young is Korea's little sister and Kim Gun-mo is Korea's national singer, Suh is "Korea's Least Attractive Superstar" barely beating out Choi Hong-man for the distinction.Suh's fans have had mixed reactions to the news.

"A joke?  It was a joke?  Jesus.  I can't believe she played me for a fool just because I wanted to ape her style.  Now I'll have to take this lesson to heart, stop being a follower, and totally be myself, just like Avril Lavigne!" said "Sue" Jung.

"Actually I don't care.  This mushroom cut is totally me now, just like my fake Prada bag.  That's all that matters to me, really, is looking like a star.  Maybe people will think I'm playing a prank too.  Pranks are the new thing, you know," "Sue" Kim said, explaining why she will not change her mushroom hairdo, even though it was a prank.

More news on what will probably be far-reaching fashion repercussions in this shocking revelation about Suh In-Young will be reported here as they come.